Secondary Infertility: What Not To Say To People Going Through It

Well-meaning words can often do more harm than good.

Challenges with infertility are an incredibly difficult and oftentimes heartbreaking journey. You may be trying to get pregnant with no results, going through the long process of IVF treatments, or you’ve experienced miscarriage in your journey to becoming a parent. Many couples dealing with these circumstances find this to be one of the most trying times in their life. 

Whatever your specific case may be, infertility can bring on a lot of additional stress, sadness, tension, anxiety, and even grief. You may have expected that this road would be an easy one. You may have thought this would never happen to you. Maybe you and your partner imagined a life for yourself—one with kids and family events—and now, you’re stunned as you face a different reality. 

People dealing with this challenge often grieve the life they wished they had… while continuing to stay positive and optimistic. That’s a huge emotional toll. You might notice yourself burdened with pregnancy jealousy, health anxiety, hopelessness, anxiety about the future, and a lacking sense of purpose. 

Secondary infertility is when you have a child or multiple children already but you’re facing problems as you try to grow your family. While a lot of the stresses and emotional difficulties are the same as general infertility, many find that secondary infertility comes with a unique set of challenges. 

Some find that their journey is silenced, dismissed, shamed or misunderstood. 

If you know someone dealing with secondary infertility, it’s important to be sensitive and empathetic. It’s often too easy to say the wrong thing even despite good intentions. 

We want to name some words that can be really hard to hear for those going through secondary infertility. These words hurt. If you’re someone dealing with secondary infertility, we hope this post helps you feel seen, validated, and understood. If you’re a friend, family member, or professional in a supporting role, know that these comments and questions are ones to steer clear of. 

“At least you already have a child.”

This comment minimizes the pain of secondary infertility by implying that having one child should be enough. This comment can come across as condescending and dismissive of the deep emotional pain of secondary infertility. It can also be taken to mean that this person isn’t allowed to be upset because they are already a parent. 

“You should be grateful for the child(ren) you have.”

Sure, gratitude is important, but this comment dismisses the longing for another child and the grief of not being able to expand the family. It also assumes that the person who this is directed at is not grateful. This is usually not true, incredibly presumptuous, and infuriating to hear. You can be grateful for your child, and still want another one. 

“It’ll happen when you least expect it.”

Will it, though? This statement can invalidate the struggle by suggesting that worry or stress is the problem rather than acknowledging the real medical and emotional factors involved. Plus, nobody can ever guarantee that a child is in someone’s future. Therefore, saying this isn’t actually reassuring for anybody. Cliches and platitudes like this can just feel annoying. 

“Why would you want more kids anyway?” 

This question feels like an attack on personal family planning choices and desires. It’s hurtful to be judged for the desire to have subsequent children. Not only is this unhelpful, it’s just plain rude.

“Have you tried X or Y treatment?” 

While often well-intentioned, unsolicited advice can feel overwhelming, invalidating, and assume that the couple/person hasn’t considered various options… or heard this a million times already. Trust us, if somebody is going through secondary infertility, they *know* the treatments. They’ve done their research, talked to their doctor, looked for alternative methods, and it’s probably on their mind all the time. 

“Maybe it’s just not meant to be.” 

This phrase can be deeply upsetting as it suggests that a family’s desire for more children is somehow destined to fail and they should just accept this. It places an expectation that the person/people should just “let it go” which can feel impossible. Think about all the ways this comment could be taken for the person on the receiving end of it. Not meant to be? Not meant to be… a parent!? Well, why not? 

“You should just adopt.” 

Adoption is a personal choice and a complex process. Suggesting it as a quick solution is dismissive of the emotional journey of infertility and the many factors that go into the consideration of adoption, not to mention the often very long, expensive and unpredictable journey often involved. 

“Everything happens for a reason.” 

Not everything happens for a reason though. Some things can feel impossibly unfair and totally unexplainable. This comment is flippant and can come across as really insensitive. The person on the receiving end of this might think you’re telling them that they should be going through this or worse, that they’re not meant to have another child. That can feel so hurtful. 

What to Say Instead:

If you want to offer support to someone going through secondary infertility, here are a few compassionate one-liners you can use:

• “I’m here for you, whatever you need.”
• “That sounds so hard—I’m really sorry you’re going through this.”
• “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but I want to support you.”
• “I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.”
• “It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling right now.”
• “I know there’s nothing I can say to fix this, but I care about you.”
• “You’re allowed to grieve this while still loving the family you have.”
• “You’re not alone—I’m here for you.”

These simple, empathetic responses help create space for the person’s feelings without minimizing or dismissing their experience.

Secondary infertility is a deeply personal and challenging experience, and it’s important to recognize that well-meaning words can often do more harm than good. The emotional toll of this journey is significant, but with support, understanding, and empathy, there are ways to navigate it. If you’re a friend, family member, or a professional supporting those who are going through this, it’s crucial to offer compassion and understanding.At The Perinatal Collective, we support parents and caregivers navigating secondary infertility. If you or someone you know could benefit from our services, we invite you to reach out. We’re here to support all parents as they make sense of parenthood, fertility challenges, and the parts of parenthood that can cause a great amount of pain. Don’t go through this alone.