Navigating the challenges of postpartum sex can be overwhelming, but many others feel this way too.
It’s a common challenge and yet so many new parents are blindsided when sex becomes a source of stress after having kids. It’s not just about sleeplessness (you expected that) or busyness (again, anticipated). It’s more than that. Sex can feel like a huge burden, source of anxiety, something you’re avoiding, or something that has lost its appeal entirely.
If your sex life is beyond lacklustre to the point where it’s actually affecting your mental health, then you’re actually part of a very large group. And, yes, there are a lot of ways to address the issue. (More on that below.)
But what’s going on here? Why does sex and intimacy feel so foreign and anxiety-inducing when it didn’t before?
There are plenty of reasons for that (and truthfully, they could warrant a whole book). Briefly, some of the common ones include: feeling touched out; body image issues; unprocessed trauma (birth or other); increased stress; relationship dissatisfaction; or adjusting to physical changes since pregnancy and birth.
Here’s an introductory guide on how to get through this, because we get it, it’s tough on everyone.
Honour your physical and emotional cues
First and foremost, regardless of what your specific challenges are, the most important thing is to always honour your physical and emotional cues. Consent is just as crucial in long-term and committed relationships. If something feels like a no, it’s a no.
Check in with yourself. Are there unpleasant physical or emotional cues that come up when you’re starting to be physically intimate with your partner? Some might notice a rapid heart rate, tightness in their chest, their body not responding in the way it may have in the past, a general unease, or even a panic attack.
It’s important to recognize what your body is trying to communicate. Accept and honour your own no. There’s a time and place for pushing past comfort zones, but this isn’t one of them. And we get it, this can feel really painful for you and your partner when you aren’t able to connect like you used to. And importantly, if you cross your own boundaries with intimacy, it can make the problem even worse.
When you ignore your own boundaries, you’re telling yourself you matter less. You may retraumatize yourself (if trauma is at the root), trigger a panic attack, or hurt your mental health. This isn’t to fear monger though—concerns related to sexuality are fully manageable, so you’re not just stuck feeling this way forever. This is just to reiterate the importance of listening to your voice and giving yourself what you need.
Avoid goal-centered sex
Part of the reason why sex may have started to cause anxiety could be because you’re used to having a goal behind it. Goal-focused sex could be anything from only having sex to get pregnant, to have an orgasm, or because your partner wants to. Maybe you felt like you “should” or that it’s part of being a good partner, even if you weren’t really up for it.
But this adds pressure and puts intimacy into a space where either you achieve the goal, or you don’t. There’s immediate pressure and “shoulds” that come into the equation. For example: “If I want to get pregnant, we should have sex today,” or “I wasn’t in the mood last time and they want to, we should just do it then.”
Non goal-oriented sex, on the other hand, doesn’t have this dichotomy of achieving something or not. Instead, you may be having sex to connect, relax, try something new, express yourself, have fun, or feel aware of sensations in your body again. Notice the difference? One has a concrete goal whereas these are more open ended and exploratory.
Recognize when shame is talking
Sex can feel scary when we feel pressure. Pressure to perform, look a certain way, do it a certain number of times, satisfy our partner, have sex the way we think it “should” be… the list goes on.
What do you notice about all of these? They certainly build a lot of stress and pressure, but they’re also all rooted in shame. When you think you’re not doing it right, enough, or in the body you wish you had, that’s your shameful self-critical voice talking. How are you supposed to feel in the mood with those thoughts swirling through your mind?
Obviously, just shutting off that inner dialogue is much easier said than done. If you could do it that easily, you would have by now. Can you instead start to notice when shame is coming up and ruining the moment? Increased awareness leads to eventual thought pattern shifts. When it does come up, see if you can gently acknowledge it (like “oh wow, I’m feeling shamey right now”) and try to bring a little bit of kindness toward yourself.
Manage anxiety and mental health in general
Your sexuality is just as related to mental health and wellness as much as any other part of you. These things don’t just exist in separate boxes. If sex postpartum has become something you’re feeling stressed, anxious or even fearful about, it’s time to go back to basic care for yourself.
What does that look like for you? It could be anything from running for 15 minutes, resetting your routine, laughing out loud to your favourite podcast, or expending anxious energy by cleaning your space (and later enjoying how a tidy space makes you feel).
There’s no right or wrong but the focus is to recognize this challenge as a possible symptom of anxiety or depression and be proactive as you work to bring in more ease and calm.
Get curious
Why do you think this new fear or stress has come up? Why now? Why this area of your life and not say, work or your social life? Was there an issue related to sex and sexuality before that you may have ignored or didn’t fully address? When you think about pregnancy, birth, the early postpartum period, and even times in your life before this, could there have been unresolved trauma (it doesn’t have to be sexual)?
Usually when we get curious about our challenges, we find out that we hold some of the answers. Reflecting on an issue with an open mind can help you learn what’s really going on and what this challenge may be a symptom of.
Starting with the phrase “It makes sense that I feel this way because…” can help to access a more compassionate self-understanding. It makes sense that you feel this way about sex. What’s happened in your context where this all makes sense? And no, you’re not broken.
Control factors that make intimate connection more comfortable
As therapists, we will always say, “Control the controllable.” That’s to say, there are many factors that you can do nothing about (like the weather, others’ behaviour, decisions your child will make 20 years from now, etc.)
What we can do is influence the things that are within our control. If you don’t like the situation you’re in, or you don’t like how something in your life is making you feel, aim to adjust it in the ways that you can.
Specifically in regards to intimacy and sex postpartum, you can control things like: having a clear conversation with your partner about what’s going on, and creating a space where intimacy (that doesn’t have to always be sex) might feel more comfortable or possible. Reach out to a therapist. Explore what you like about the sex that you’ve have in the past, and how to connect with those feelings again. Learn how to reconnect with your own body and discover what feels pleasurable now, as this might have changed over the years.
Recognize that sex, sexuality and relationships evolve
Your sexuality and relationship are always evolving. The way you feel today doesn’t indicate how you’ll feel six months or a couple years from now. Like with anything, you’re likely to go through many highs and lows. Sex postpartum is hard for many parents—especially mothers—because there are just so many factors that can come together to cause problems in this area of life (like physical changes, relationship stress, overall anxiety, etc.)
Meet yourself where you’re at today knowing that this picture isn’t forever.
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Navigating the challenges of postpartum sex can be overwhelming, but many others feel this way too. It’s vital to honour your physical and emotional boundaries, reject goal-centered sex for a more open-ended approach, and address shame and anxiety that may be affecting your intimacy. By being proactive, curious, and focusing on what you can control, you can work towards a healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationship postpartum, knowing that this phase is just a part of a larger, evolving journey.
Our team of therapists is skilled and qualified to support you through this journey. We have individuals skilled to help with everything from relationship issues, sex and intimacy, or more general stresses of new parenthood. Reach out or start with one of our workshops here.
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