Addressing sex postpartum beyond the six-week clearance.
Sex postpartum is one of those topics that many people worry about but few people feel comfortable talking about. Conversations surrounding new motherhood in particular tend to focus mainly on the baby, the birth, and how your newborn is doing.
Yet those subjects account for just a fraction of what actually occupies a new mom’s mental space. After birth, so much changes in such a short period of time and few aspects of your daily life remain unaffected.
Sure, topics such as sleep (or lack thereof), feeding, recovery from labour, and news about the baby are important and valid. But when these remain the only focus, many new mothers can feel isolated as they deal with other key challenges alone. Your relationship, sex, and desire for intimacy is often one of those major pain points in the perinatal era.
One of the classic frustrations of early motherhood is realizing how much time was spent preparing for this new stage… only to realize how many of the important things went completely unthought of. Yes, feeling equipped with the right baby items and space is important, but so is being proactive about mental health, your relationship, your emotional health… and sexuality.
A common key concern amongst mothers is about sex—specifically sex postpartum and how your sexuality will be impacted. Regardless of what type a birth a mom experienced, many wonder what sex is going to feel like, when they can have sex postpartum, or if postpartum sex is painful. It’s no wonder many new moms feel apprehensive.
Even if you don’t relate to these concerns, you may be dealing with a different reality—one in which your sex life and sexuality are suffering after having a baby and you’re trying to better understand why that might be.
You’re in the right place. Here’s a list of some of the most common reasons why sex can become a source of anxiety or stress in early parenthood. The points below are very common, so know that you are not alone (even if friends aren’t talking about it).
Sex postpartum: Why sex can become stressful
1. You experienced a traumatic birth
Birth trauma is such a common experience and it can take a while to process. What is birth trauma exactly? If it was traumatic to you, then that fits the definition of “birth trauma.” This could include emergency c-sections, your birth plan not going according to what you hoped for, complications with the birth, or extra challenges with your newborn, like needing to stay in the NICU.
These types of experiences impact sexuality because you were in a situation where you didn’t feel physically safe or in control and a very intimate part of your body was affected. Any kind of trauma that involves your reproductive system, or genitals, can impact your feelings about sex. For that reason, you may be feeling extra anxious or self-protective. You might not want to feel connected to your body in this way.
2. General past trauma is resurfacing
A trauma doesn’t have to specifically be related to sexuality or your reproductive system for it to surface in this specific area of your life. Our bodies store trauma and we don’t get to choose which way it will resurface or impact us. If you experienced past trauma (an accident, illness, instability, abuse, etc.) it could be that this is now playing a role during this chapter in your life and specifically affecting you in regards to your sex life.
3. Body image issues are at play
If you’re not comfortable or confident with your physical self, body and appearance, that can have a huge impact on your sexual self-esteem. During pregnancy, birth and postpartum, there are so many physical changes. You may not love your postpartum body or you may not feel at home or used to it after all of these rapid physical changes. That affects how you show up in a sexual context.
4. Recent physical changes are affecting your sex drive
As mentioned, physical changes that happen as a result of pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding can trigger body image issues. But other physical changes which can include hormonal fluctuations, depleted energy, fatigue, sleep interruptions, and changes to your exercise regime can all come together to impact sex drive. And doesn’t that make complete sense? When our basic physical needs—sleep, rest, nutrition, exercise—aren’t being met, we’re not going to have the full capacity to feel expressive or in the mood.
5. Your body has multiple new uses now and you’re feeling disconnected
There can be a major mental block when your body has shifted not only physically but also in terms of functionality. This can *feel* like a small thing but it really isn’t. For mothers and birthing parents especially, it can be challenging to go from being physically independent to now being tied to your baby’s basic needs.
Something like breastfeeding, for example, can be a source of this disconnection because where in the past, breasts may have been more tied to sexuality, now they are there to support your baby’s basic nutritional needs. Many mothers also report feeling “touched out.” This is the feeling where you’re constantly providing physical care (breastfeeding, cuddling, co-sleeping, holding) for your baby that by the end of the day, you feel as though you cannot provide any more physical affection. You just need space.
6. Most relationships suffer in the months after having a baby
Though many couples may not be open about this, the reality is that most couples experience a dip in relationship satisfaction in the months after having a baby. It’s quite common that couples will suffer in silence as the focus tends to be more on the new baby, adapting, getting used to parenting, and celebrating this new family member. For many couples, relationship dissatisfaction can look like arguing about responsibilities, feeling resentful due to perceived unfairness, feeling disconnected or distant with the changes in routine and increased responsibility, or feeling less inclined to be physically intimate with each other.
7. You’re feeling increased levels of stress and anxiety
Stress and anxiety can greatly impact sex drive. If you pause for a moment to think about that, it really makes sense. If your brain space is constantly being used to think about all that you have to do, whether or not your baby is safe and healthy, what could potentially go wrong, or whether or not you’re parenting well, you’re not going to have space for other things… like being intimate with your partner.
Stress impacts sex drive because just you cannot be anxious/stressed and calm or regulated at the same time. If your nervous system is constantly on overdrive, you’re in fight-or-flight mode. That means that you cannot be in the state to be calm, regulated, or in the mood to have sex.
Resonating with this post?
You’re not alone, and we also want you to know that so much of this can change. We’re a team of therapists across Canada and these are the kinds of challenges we support parents with all the time, whether in individual or couples counselling.
If you’d like to talk to someone on our team, browse our directory of therapists and book in whenever you’re ready.
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