My Birth Plan Didn’t Work Out And I’m Devastated. Now What?

Unmet expectations can be so difficult to process especially when it’s about something as significant as the birth of your child.

Disappointment and unmet expectations are painful, but unavoidable parts of parenthood. For some parents, this hard reality hits years into their journey when their children are through the baby years or school-aged. Others encounter this as early as pregnancy when news of a new baby brings feelings of ambivalence. One very common—but heartbreaking—experience in parenthood starts on day one when the birth of your baby didn’t go as planned or expected. 

For many parents (moms in particular), this can be devastating. That’s a valid way to feel: unmet expectations can be extremely difficult to accept when it’s about something as significant as the birth of your child. 

And yet, a high percentage of parents are left processing experiences like birth trauma, disappointment, violated boundaries during the delivery, or unexpected emotions. 

Maybe you envisioned how everything would go but on the actual day, many parts of your birth plan weren’t possible to carry out. It could also be that trust was broken by someone on your medical or support team. Some parents also imagined how they would show up on the day only to be disappointed by their own emotions or reactions. 

When it comes to labour, there are just so many unknowns which is why there’s a lot of room for shock, surprise, or unmet expectations. Maybe you knew there could be an element of surprise but now that you’re processing that, you’re left feeling crushed. A lot of parents come to therapy with our counsellors at The Perinatal Collective wondering what they need to do to heal when the birth didn’t go according to plan. 

If that describes where you’re at, you’re in the right place. Below, a list of things you can do for yourself as you go through this emotional journey. 

Your birth plan fell through. How to move forward: 

1. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions. 

Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that are coming up—even if it’s past the time when you thought you should have processed the birth. The birth of your child is one of the most significant days of your life and if it didn’t go as planned—or it was quite traumatic—that will have an effect. 

Oftentimes, that effect really impacts your mental health in those postpartum days. So many parents feel sadness, anger, grief, confusion, guilt, shame, self-judgment, or regret. This is one of the biggest themes our therapists deal with during one-on-one sessions with parents. 

Holding space for the emotions (rather than ignoring or distracting), is a necessary part of processing this event and healing. There are no bad emotions. There’s no wrong way to feel. Every feeling is allowed. 

Some parents have the belief that because their baby is fine and healthy, they don’t have the right to have “negative” emotions attached to the experience. This isn’t true. Your baby being okay, isn’t the whole story. Invalidating your feelings just creates self-judgment. 

2. Don’t judge yourself for wishing things were different. 

Unmet expectations can be difficult to sit with. That’s even more true when it’s about your baby and their first day in this world. This is a really big deal and an incredibly important day so it’s no wonder that related emotions feel intense. One thing to keep in mind during this time is that self-judgment will usually make emotions worse. Some mothers and birthing parents come to therapy judging themselves for a) how things went or b) wishing the day went differently. 

This can even be as simple as thinking, “Wow, I wish I had been more calm during my labour,” “Why didn’t I think of this when making my birth plan?” or “I learned that in prenatal classes! I can’t believe I forgot in the moment!” Any time you catch your inner critic popping up, remind yourself that you’re just as deserving of compassion as anyone else. There’s no way to have known how things would unfold the day of and it’s impossible to do it perfectly. 

3. Enlist the help or support of someone who specializes in this area. 

When your birth plan takes an unexpected turn, seeking the guidance of experienced professionals like doulas and perinatal therapists can be a source of support that makes a big difference. These experts know so much about pregnancy, giving birth, loss, common emotional struggles that come up, stressors, and many will have a network of other professionals that can provide additional help. 

These people also possess invaluable insights in navigating various types of birth trauma or re-working birth plans so that you can feel confident with your next best option. Perinatal therapists in particular offer a level of understanding and support that the average person won’t have so you know you won’t be invalidated or re-traumatized. They hold a wealth of information and strategies tailored to address emotional challenges specific to childbirth experiences so you can just focus on moving forward. 

4. Reflect on your personal values and needs. Create a plan going forward that aligns with those. 

If your situation is one where you have not given birth yet, but you know that your first-choice birth plan won’t be possible and you need to come up with a second option, it might be helpful to review values. Even though it’s disappointing to not get the day you envisioned, know that there may still be an option that aligns with your values. 

For example, maybe you wanted a home birth but medically, it’s too risky. How can you then bring some elements of what you envisioned into a hospital setting? Which tools, people, and mental health managements can stay the same? Or maybe you want to adjust smaller things like getting contact with your baby right away before they are bathed. You might also have to draw boundaries with who comes to visit right away or who is in the room. These are all important things to check in with yourself on and there are no right answers. Comfortability and alignment is the goal here. 

5. Advocate for yourself.

Have you already given birth and did something go wrong? If you feel that malpractice or negligence occurred, it’s within your rights for you to make a report or file a complaint. Advocating for yourself is your way of recognizing that you deserve to have a safe birth where your needs and emotions are respected. Sometimes the act of writing a complaint or sharing your experience can be healing.

When the birth of your child doesn’t go the way you planned or hoped for, that can be devastating. If the birth was traumatic for you, it can take a while to process, heal, and move forward. Hopefully this blog post has been a helpful guide in how to deal with complicated thoughts and emotions surrounding the birth. 
And as always, at The Perinatal Collective, we have a team of therapists who are here to guide and support you through creating a birth plan, issues that arise during pregnancy, processing birth trauma, or anything parenting related. Remember that your baby being health and well isn’t the full story; your mental wellbeing and peace of mind is just as important.