Why Pregnancy Jealousy Is Actually A Form Of Grief And Doesn’t Mean Anything Bad About You

How to deal with pregnancy jealousy…

You’re having dinner with your group of closest girl friends and halfway through your evening, one says she has news. She’s pregnant. She can’t wait to start a family. She always wanted to be a mom. The others respond with excitement, congratulations, and the typical questions about the due date and how she’s feeling so far. You share that excitement—you’re happy for her—but you also notice a touch of envy popping up. You’re both happy and a little jealous of your friend at the same time. 

You’ve been here before. These mixed feelings of being glad for someone’s news while also wishing it was your own reality can be hard to sit with. You don’t want to feel jealous. You want to only be happy without that being laced with other complicated emotions. 

But here you are wrestling with feeling the initial excitement, followed by disappointment that this isn’t how your life is playing out. Then there’s the guilt that follows. You’ve felt this way at similar lunches, baby showers, spending time with pregnant friends, or even just passing pregnant women on the street. 

What you probably don’t realize is that pregnancy jealousy is a valid emotion (so cut yourself some slack there) and it’s also a form of grief. Like with other forms of grief, it takes time, space, and processing to move through. Here, we’re going to help you do that.  

How pregnancy jealousy shows up

The purpose of this post is to be honest about real emotions and mental health concerns related to parenthood that so many people commonly experience. Yes pregnancy jealousy is hard, but it’s also a feeling that, for many parents, is inevitable. 

Maybe you experienced miscarriage or infant loss, infertility, secondary infertility, you want to become a parent but your life isn’t set up for this step yet, or you and your partner aren’t on the same page as to whether or not to have kids. 

Whatever the reason, the point is that something around others’ pregnancies is causing you emotional pain and distress. That’s completely understandable considering that the desire to have children is, for some, is such a deep longing. When it’s not happening when or how you’d like it to be, that can be devastating on its own. That intensifies when you also have to watch others celebrate what you wish you had. 

If this describes your experience so far, you might notice your thoughts sounding like any of the following. (Again, it happens to the best of us and is completely normal.): 

“It’s not fair that she got pregnant right away when I’ve been trying for years.” 

“She was ambivalent about having kids but I’ve always really wanted them! Why does she get to be pregnant and not me?”

“I’m happy for my friend and that things are going as she hoped but I also don’t feel like I’m in the space to hear about it all the time.” 

“After fertility issues and miscarriage, I can’t stand pregnant people or new parents. I want to be happy, but they just seem smug right now.” 

“Every time I see my pregnant friend, I wish her life was mine.” 

“I’m excited for my friend but at the same time, part of me hurts when I have to buy her baby gift, go to the baby shower, and talk about ultrasounds.” 

“I can’t believe some people get pregnant by mistake. It’s so unfair!” 

Pregnancy jealousy is a form of grief 

Feeling envious of pregnant people (or other parents) is actually a form of grief. 

Think about that for a moment. When we think about grief, we might think about grieving the loss of a loved one. That’s a common form of grief, of course. However grief can also be mourning the life that you wish you had. 

You may have planned and expected to have one or multiple children by now. Sometimes, that desire is so solid that we don’t even question a life without it. Kids may have been your dream, a top priority, or just something you assumed would happen easily… and when you wanted it to. 

When our lives pan out in a way that’s completely different from the expectation, that can be a shock. You may be sitting with some heavy disappointment right now, anger, or even regret. This is a form of grief that can also leave many feeling lost. This sentiment can feel like, “Well I always wanted kids. What if it never happens?” You might be thinking to yourself, “There is no plan b! Now what?!” or, “What is my purpose supposed to be now?” 

If having a family is/was something you strongly desired, it can be so difficult to accept the fact that that might not be a guarantee for you. This is not fair. Infertility, loss, timing, and differing desires from your partner are factors that are all completely unfair. Sitting with that is just hard.

Creating boundaries with factors that stand in the way of healing 

Because pregnancy jealousy can be such a difficult emotion to feel and process, you want to set yourself up for healing. Depending on your experience, this might include putting necessary boundaries in place for the time being. This is how you put your emotional health and mental wellness first. Sometimes enforcing boundaries can be difficult but it’s important to give yourself grace and release yourself from self-judgment during this time. 

Common boundaries that we recommend are related to avoiding pregnancy-related triggers during this time. What might those look like? 

• Giving yourself permission to take a break from triggering friendships.
• Saying no to baby showers and finding an alternative way to show support.
• Telling friends you’re not open to discussing babies and pregnancy at the moment. 
• Not going to baby stores.
• Not going to family-focused activities or events. 
• Shutting down conversations that are triggering, unhelpful, or full of unsolicited advice. 
• Taking a break from trying to get pregnant if that’s causing too much stress. 
• Taking a break from friends who don’t seem to “get it” and make you feel worse. 
• Limiting your consumption of pregnancy or baby-related content online. 
• Allowing yourself to feel emotions related to this topic while shutting down self-judgment. 

Navigating pregnancy jealousy can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to recognize that these emotions are valid and deserve space. By understanding that this jealousy is a form of grief and moving through the stages, you can begin to find some peace. Whether or not kids (or subsequent children) are in your future, doing this work helps you accept and enjoy your life as it is right now. 

Remember, healing takes time, and setting boundaries is a crucial step toward protecting your mental health. If you’re struggling with these feelings, know you’re not alone. The Perinatal Collective is here to support you through the complexities of parenthood. Reach out to start working with our team.