How to Support A Friend Going Through Miscarriage

If a loved one has recently experienced a miscarriage, here are some ways that you can ease their pain.

Raising a child takes a village and as mental health professionals in the parenthood and perinatal space, we often emphasize the importance of having an emotional support system. The friends, family, and professionals that new or expecting parents have can make or break the parenthood experience. It’s not just about the tangible, technical support like doctor’s appointments or baby shower gifts. If you’ve been there, then you know. 

Parenthood, and the journey in becoming a parent, requires a team of people who “get it” and will be there during the ups and downs. You want the best friend who you can confide in when you’re trying to get pregnant, the sibling who will take the reins when you’re beyond exhausted, and the friends who check in during the hard moments when you’re unable to ask for help. 

This post is for that emotional support crew: the friends, and family behind the parent-to-be in your life. Specifically, we want to address the emotional hardship of going through a miscarriage and how loved ones can best support. 

As we know, a high number of pregnancies end in miscarriage. When that happens, people can feel so many different emotions: completely devastated, heartbroken, angry, in shock, confused, or ambivalent. It’s so important to show up in these moments—in ways that are helpful, sensitive, and supportive. 

If your friend or loved one has recently experienced a miscarriage, you want to show up for them in the best way possible so that you can ease their pain. Here are some ways to do that. 

Just be there

First, just show up for them without overthinking it. 

You might feel at a loss of what to say or do and wonder if you’re doing it perfectly. Let go of that for a moment and keep in mind that people remember how you made them feel. By showing up and being there to support, you’re showing that you love them, that you care about what they’re going through, and that you want to put in the effort to make them feel seen and supported. 

When we say “be there to support,” we mean things like sending them a thoughtful message, asking when you can come to see them, bringing food to their home, or checking in as needed to show you’re thinking about them. Don’t fuss about the specifics, just be there. 

Don’t assume she feels any particular way 

People who experience miscarriage or infant loss can experience a wide range of emotions. Yes, they may feel sad or heartbroken. But that’s not the only emotion they may be experiencing. 

We’re complex beings and each of us expresses our emotions differently. Plus, our emotions are complicated. Some days your friend might feel sad. Other days, she might feel angry, happy, regretful, relieved, guilty, anxious, or shocked. Don’t assume their emotional state and definitely don’t judge. There’s no wrong way to feel and they aren’t obligated to be devastated every moment of every day. Show up, and make the most of the good days as well as the bad. Have an open attitude so that you become someone she feels safe expressing herself to. 

Avoid advice giving and platitudes 

Many friends and family offer up advice, solutions, or positive words of encouragement. You want to say something that will make this person feel better. The problem is that this kind of support can often come across as flippant, invalidating, insensitive, or irrelevant. The last thing you want to do is trigger or irritate someone who has already gone through a miscarriage. 

Things like, “You can try again,” “Have you tried x?” “Everything happens for a reason,” and “You can always adopt,” are common things that those going through fertility challenges or miscarriage hear all the time. It’s not helpful, and most find it really insensitive. Plus, they’ve heard this a thousand times already. 

Instead, be there to listen, allow your friend to process, and validate this chapter in her life for the unique experience it is. Resist the temptation to try to problem solve.

Ask what she needs 

Ask this special person in your life what it is that she needs. She may know of a way you could support her but just be afraid to ask. Does she need a day out? Someone to help with chores and cooking? A friend to listen to everything she’s just gone through? Space to talk through her emotions? A best bud to do anything *but* talk about pregnancy and babies? Put this out there, see what comes back, and then do that thing. 

Decide on a way to support and follow through 

Sometimes people who have just been through a miscarriage don’t know what they need or how you can help. If that’s the case, then fielding all the “tell me if you need anything!” messages can just feel exhausting. Try to get a sense if this is the situation because if so, then asking for specific types of support can feel like additional emotional labour. 

Is there something that you can just do without having to ask? Send a gift or favourite comfort items like a new blanket, candles, or go-to snack. You might know of certain errands that your friend does every week. Do one of those for her. Does she have other children at home? Drop off school night dinners or snacks for their lunch bags. Tell her of a day when you will come by and if she’s up for your company, great. If not, just leave a card or self-care items and let her know you’re available any time.  

Be there after the fact and check in

Sometimes people can feel like they have all kinds of support pouring in immediately after a major event like a miscarriage. But as days, weeks, and months go by, they may be left feeling like they’re dealing with the pain alone. 

Miscarriage can be such a traumatic and heartbreaking thing. In the days right after the event, it can feel wonderful to receive heartfelt messages, support, gifts, and practical things like meals and cozy nights in with supportive friends. If this is something that a loved one has gone through, keep that going. It takes so much time to heal and process sometimes. Be there through that journey and don’t let them suffer alone.

If you don’t want to upset your friend, you can keep check-ins general. Ask how they are doing generally, how they’ve been feeling emotionally lately, what’s going on in their life, and let them know you’re thinking about them. Let them know that you’re here for them no matter how much time has passed. 

Be a safe space 

If your friend has lost their baby, be there to listen and let them say anything they want. Allow for sadness, guilt, anger, pregnancy jealousy, anxiety, and fear. Don’t pressure them to move on quickly or talk about kids. Don’t push positivity either. Just let them be. This is how you create a safe space for open, honest communication. Your friend will know that she can express emotions as she needs to. She’ll also know you’re not expecting anything of her. Safe spaces like these are where a lot of healing happens because we don’t have to mask, hold anything in, or feel invalidated. As someone in her support system, this is one of the most valuable things you can do right now. 

Supporting a loved one through a miscarriage is such an important role. Your presence, empathy, and understanding can make all the difference for a loved one suffering such a significant loss. By simply showing up, offering a safe space, and avoiding assumptions or unsolicited advice, you can help ease some of the emotional burden during this difficult time. 

Remember, it’s not about having the perfect words—it’s about being there in meaningful ways.

If you’re looking for additional support for your friend or family member, that’s what we’re here for! The Perinatal Collective has a team of compassionate therapists who specialize in perinatal mental health and is dedicated to supporting parents and families through all stages of parenthood, including the difficult experiences of miscarriage and loss. Contact us to learn more about how we can support you or your loved one on their healing journey.