How To Support A Friend Through An Abortion

We need to be there to support the low moments as well.

As a society, when we talk about having a family, a lot gets left out. When we talk about supporting friends and loved ones in parenthood, even more gets muted from the conversation. Having children, planning to have a family, raising kids, and managing reproductive health come with so many challenges. This season of adulthood is tough. 

One specific topic that barely gets touched on is terminating a pregnancy and supporting one another through it in the event that that happens. Just like we are there for friends to celebrate pregnancies, the birth of a baby, first birthdays, mother’s days, and beyond, we need to be there to support the tough moments as well. Nobody deserves to suffer in silence. Hard moments like miscarriage, infertility, secondary infertility, and deciding to end a pregnancy are things that many of our loved ones will go through, so it’s important to talk about. 

If your friend, sister, cousin, or partner is having an abortion and has shared this news with you, here are ways to properly provide support.  

Don’t make assumptions about how they’re feeling 

We all feel and express our emotions differently. If your loved one is terminating a pregnancy, she might have big emotions around this decision… or not. 

Just like with a pregnancy or miscarriage, all emotions are valid. Don’t assume this person in your life is feeling any kind of way. She may be sad, nervous, or upset, but she may also be completely at peace with her decision and just happy to get the procedure out of the way. Don’t assume her emotions are heavy. Similarly, don’t make light of her situation either. Allow her to communicate her thoughts and be there to hold space for whatever those are.   

Be there to support physical or emotional needs

When faced with something like an abortion, a loved one might need help meeting their basic needs. Some may want help with the physical side of things, others might need emotional support. Some need both! 

If they want to talk and process, be a supportive and engaged listener. They might want someone to drive to and accompany them to their appointment. They may need dinners ready in their fridge, a meal out to feel loved and pampered, a friend to be there in the days after the fact, resources on what to expect, help understanding the medical side of things, or a care package to support their emotional health.  

Ask how they wish to be supported 

What is it that would be most useful to this person during this time? Sometimes the best thing to do is to directly ask. Ask them what they need and then show up with that support. Introduce this conversation by saying: “I know this is something significant that you’re going through and I want to be there for you. What can I do?” 

Keep in mind that sometimes when faced with a big decision or event, we can have a hard time knowing what it is that we need. If that’s the case, offer some of the ideas suggested above and see what resonates. 

Offer advice or opinions only if asked 

Now isn’t the time to offer up opinions or advice. Even though it’s likely coming from a good place and you may think that you’re being helpful, emotions can run high during a time like this and there’s too high of a chance it won’t be taken well. You want to be calm, gentle, and listen. Let them take the lead and give them space to be the expert on their own experience.  

Honour their privacy 

It should go without saying that terminating a pregnancy is a personal experience and your loved one deserves privacy. If they’ve trusted you with this information, keep it to yourself. It’s not your news to share (this should be obvious but is worth emphasizing anyway). Privacy also includes allowing them to disclose only the information they choose to share with you. 

Check in

If a friend is leaning on you during and after having an abortion, remind them that you love them, that you’re here for them, and keep checking in to see how their mental and physical health are doing. These can be heartfelt or as light as sending animal videos, popping by for a quick walk, or sending voice note updates. The point is that you’re putting in the effort to make them feel seen and cared for. It won’t go unnoticed. 

Share an experience if relevant 

Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation and sharing your story will be helpful at this time. This really depends on the context and relationship (as well as your own comfortability). If it’s appropriate and feels right, share your experience—your thought process, what happened, what you *wish* happened, and how you moved through it. Answer any questions they may have and give insight if relevant. 

Being part of someone’s support system is a really big deal. If a loved one had or is having an abortion, it’s important to know how to show up so that your actions can make this experience easier for them. By finding out what they need, being a good listener, respecting their privacy, and offering thoughtful, affirming words, you’re making this experience easier for them. 

And if you or someone you know is going through this, don’t forget that our team of therapists is here to support all emotional and mental health needs during times like these. Reach out here.