So You’re Not That Excited About Being Pregnant?

You have so much time during pregnancy and once your baby comes to develop a bond. You don’t have to be fully in love, fully excited or fully on board right away.

So you’re pregnant but you’re not exactly over-the-moon happy. You’re especially not as excited as you thought you would be. And to make matters worse, there’s a lot of self-judgement and questioning that comes with that. (“Why am I not thrilled? What’s wrong with me? Am I already a terrible mother?”)

You’re probably being especially critical of yourself, too. Not only are you not as happy as you thought you’d be, but now you’re also disappointed in yourself for not being super pumped.

That’s not a fun cycle… 

For many people, this is the moment when panic sets in. Everyone else seems excited about your pregnancy. Your partner. Your family. Your friends. And you are left wondering why you don’t feel the same way.

You might find yourself thinking things like, “Is it normal to not be excited about being pregnant?” or “What is wrong with me if I am not happy about this?” These questions often come with a lot of fear and shame, especially if you expected to feel joyful or relieved once you became pregnant.

If this resonates, you are not alone.As a mental health therapist for moms, I can say that this is one of the most common concerns I hear from women in early pregnancy. Seriously, I hear this all. the. time. It’s so normal. It’s so common. So let’s take a breather and dive into this.

What do my feelings mean? 

First off, your feelings may be a surprise to you⁠—especially if you planned your pregnancy⁠—but they don’t mean anything. That’s right. Just because you’re not shouting from the rooftops doesn’t mean you’re bad and it certainly doesn’t mean anything bad about you.

Sure, you’re not ecstatic about your personal news at this moment however your feelings now say nothing about how you’ll be as a mother. So if this lackluster reaction has you convinced that you’re going to fail as a parent or that there’s something wrong with you, that’s not true at all.

Trust me.

Is it normal to not be excited about being pregnant?

Yes. It is very normal, and experienced by many more parents than you may realize.

Even in planned, wanted pregnancies, many people feel uncertain, overwhelmed, emotionally flat, or disconnected at first. Pregnancy often brings fear about what could go wrong, worries about how life will change, and pressure to feel a certain way before you are ready.
Excitement is not always the first emotion to arrive. Sometimes it comes later. Sometimes it comes in waves. And sometimes it is mixed with fear, grief, or ambivalence. All of that can coexist without meaning anything is wrong.

Identify the expectation that has been placed on you. 

You’re feeling the mom guilt before your baby is even out of the womb. This is therefore a great time to examine that whole issue. Think about the expectations that have been placed on you that now have you feeling shame, guilt and self-criticism. 

What does society assume of pregnant women? That you should be overjoyed. That you should be just so over-the-moon and giddy with planning your baby nursery. And if you don’t live up to that standard… what then?

Maybe you also haven’t heard other women voice these exact same feelings. Why? Probably out of fear of judgement… We tend to keep silent when we’re ashamed of whether or not our feelings make us “wrong” or “bad.”

But, like I said, this issue is way more common that you know. I hear this little “confessions” so many times over. None of these women are broken. None of them are doomed mothers.

It feels like everyone is excited about my pregnancy but me

This can be a very isolating part of early pregnancy.

When everyone around you is celebrating, asking questions, and expressing excitement, it can feel deeply uncomfortable to admit that you do not feel the same way. Many people start performing happiness or staying quiet about their real experience in order to avoid worrying others or being judged.

That gap between how you are supposed to feel and how you actually feel can be lonely. It can also make you doubt yourself, even when your feelings are completely valid.

Take a moment to think about how you are feeling. 

Try to stop worrying about what you’re not feeling and focus on what you are feeling. Some women feel stressed or nervous about the things that could go wrong. Maybe they heard of struggles from their friends and are worried of experiencing those same things. You might be wondering if everything is going to go according to plan. You might feel scared, numb… or even just indifferent.

Notice what’s coming up for you and what your concerns are. Keep in mind: you’re allowed to feel the way you feel. When you learn to stop judging yourself for those feelings, you can begin to process them.

What to do when you’re not excited about pregnancy

Rather than trying to make yourself feel excited, it can be more supportive to focus on creating space for honesty and self compassion. 

This might mean allowing uncertainty without rushing to change it. Talking openly with someone who understands perinatal mental health. Giving yourself permission to experience pregnancy in your own way and at your own pace.

You have so much time during pregnancy and once your baby comes to develop a bond. You don’t have to be fully in love, fully excited or fully on board right away. Trust that energy and excitement will build! Right now, just experience your pregnancy and the resultant feelings as this phase of your life unfolds.

And remember: you’re not wrong, you’re not broken, this doesn’t indicate anything about you as a mom. This is so normal!

In Canada? We have a team of perinatal mental health therapists who are trained to support moms as they navigate the challenges of motherhood. We also offer support for couples who are experiencing challenges in the relationship due to their growing family and changing roles. You can learn about our team here, and book a session.